Everything was going great, I felt better than I have in a while. I woke up every morning feeling “back to normal”. I was back to getting up very early, working as soon as my eyes opened, exercising on a regular basis and eating well.
One morning my brain started to play tricks on me again. I couldn’t focus properly, I wanted to eat nothing but fast food and I felt slight aggression. This feeling continued to get worse throughout the day. It was now the evening and my girlfriend was about to leave to go out with some of our friends, which triggered something in my brain and made me upset, which believe me, I know is not right. As soon as the house was empty I felt lost, I didn’t know what the heck I should do. I had lots of work to get done but I couldn’t get my mind right.
About 45 minutes later I decided I would get myself ready to go out and join them. I no longer enjoy drinking but the mood that I was in at the time, I thought alcohol might make me feel “better”. As I was getting ready to leave I chugged half a bottle of wine, ate a piece of toast, ordered an Uber and I was on my way.
There I found myself sitting at the table with some good people, drinking some lame overpriced cocktail and talking with more confidence than normal due to the alcohol. We went to our next spot, I rode the mechanical bull and sang karaoke to country music (I don’t really like country, more of a Hip Hop fan). Everything was going great, until a small incident happened which made me very upset, I lost my cool.
Twenty five minutes later I was back at home by myself, lit 1 individual candle beside the bed, wrote a short note to my girlfriend and walked out to find the highest point I could find. There it was, I had found a crane inside a construction site and knew I would be able to climb it. There were a few texts between my friends and my girlfriend but I was set to go up on this crane and jump off.
Climbing up I could not feel my hands, my whole body was numb and I felt like I was climbing to the top of the world. Finally, there I was standing high enough on the crane that I knew when I jump I will not survive. I started to have images in my head of my family, my friends and great people I met throughout my life. Then it hit me, I wondered what the hell am I doing this for, I have a great life! I have people who care for me, I have a job, a business that is making an impact on people’s lives and a roof over my head.
My girlfriend and friends were looking for me, so I sent my location, climbed down and met my girlfriend on the street, I didn’t know what to say or what to do. We walked back home only to find that the police were at my doorstep. I freaked out, I was mad at who called the police and mad that they were even at my house, I didn’t want to go to jail especially not for what I just did. They took me away to a mental facility which luckily was just a 2 minute drive away. We discussed what had happened and what’s going on in my head. They gave me some information forms, directories for help lines, then sent me home at about 3:30AM.
I was mad at the person who had called the police, I didn’t want to see them or be around them. I knew they were at my house probably sound asleep. Coming to a realization the reason they called the police was because they cared, because they were worried about where I was and what I was going to do. They didn’t make that phone call to get me in trouble or because they hated me, they made the call because they fucking care!
Here are some takeaways:
When I was on the crane I realized jumping off and ending something great was too easy, the hard part is dealing with my emotions, learning them and pushing through the hard times that come in life.
We may think that people don’t care about us, but they really do, they care for us more than we think.
Life is fucking hard sometimes, but when you want to do something great and make something great for yourself you have to learn to become aware of what is going on and make the best of every situation. Life is really damn short, don’t wish it away and don’t live for weekends.
Last thing, I want to be someone who makes an impact on this planet, I want to be one of the biggest advocates for mental health as well as life in general. I want to help people achieve their goals and show people that you really can do anything you put our mind to. Too many people talk about it, 1% take action and actually do something. Here I come! #lostbutliving